Chapter 13: Leaning In with Life

As my boss will tell you, I have a slight obsession with Sheryl Sandberg. Her book, Lean In, was life-changing for me, helping me think about the kind of career I want and how important it is for women to push forward and boldly declare that we are leaders and have a voice that should be heard. After I read Lean In, I would frequently start sentences at work with, “Well, Sheryl says…”  I ate up her words and found myself inspired to be better at my job and to begin really thinking about how I can be a leader.  Of course, her book was chastised by some as being only for those women of privilege who have the education, the opportunity, and the support to lean in to their roles in organizations.  However, it is precisely these women who have been given opportunities that must stand up for those who have not, so that, as Sheryl says, “In the future, there will be no female leaders. There will just be leaders.” In short, I love Sheryl Sandberg. I love that she has created a dialogue on women in the workplace. I love that she wants to ban the word bossy because it can be detrimental to a young girl’s self esteem. I love that she wants women AND men to think about how we are all better served when we work together at home and at the office.  She is one of my heroes.

And this week, her husband died tragically in a freak accident while their family was on vacation.  When my friend Katie texted me about this, I literally gasped. I don’t know Sheryl. She’s a celebrity to me. But my respect and admiration for her make me feel so incredibly sad. This woman I deeply admire, who has amassed success, wealth and fame and somehow has also managed to be a wife and mother, just experienced the most horrific part of being human–losing someone you love. I feel sad for her and sad for her children. And sad for all of us. Because moments like these are reminders that we live with an illusion that we have any control over anything.  So much of our lives we try to hold on to things and plan and organize, but in the end, we know that life can change on a dime. This is terrifying to me.

Since I heard about this tragedy, I have told both my boyfriend and my coworkers they are not allowed to die. I’ll be telling my family and other friends the same in the coming weeks. This is not new to me. I have been known to tell my parents, “If you ever die…” which supposes that there is a chance they might not. When I say these things, my mom and dad do the thing they did when I was a kid, where they look over my head and knowingly look into each other’s eyes as to suggest that one of them will have to do a reality check.  The thing is, I’m not actually scared of my own death. I’m just scared of losing those I love.  Each day as human beings we form relationships, and we give pieces of ourselves to those we love. We are vulnerable and give our hearts away because that’s in our DNA. We are meant to love and be loved. Yet, it comes with such a risk–because in the end, life is fleeting and things change so quickly.

Some would say that to avoid this inevitable pain, we should simply focus on ourselves and not worry about these intense human bonds. Those people are crazy. And I bet Sheryl would say, even in what I imagine is her indescribable pain, that getting to love her husband is worth whatever comes next. That is not easy to remember when the wind has been knocked out of us by the pain and sorrow of life. But it’s true and we should always lean in toward what is true. It’s easy for me in my daily life to feel like I have control over everything going on around me. I have a color-coded planner, a phone that connects me to everyone I know, and I make relatively sound choices to keep me safe and healthy. Those are all good things, but in the end what these tragic life moments teach me is to stop. To stop planning and thinking and controlling. To simply be present to those I love. To hold my nephew. To laugh with my godson. To have coffee with friends. To eat dinner with my family. To curl up with my boyfriend. To listen to my coworkers. These are the things that matter and even though I cannnot control what happens next, I can be present to what happens now.  Sheryl taught me to lean in with my career and now she is teaching me to lean in with my life.

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