Chapter 17: Love
It seems cliche to end 2015 with a post about love but it’s the only word that really comes to mind when I think of my last year. A year ago on this very day I could not even fathom what was ahead for me. I had chosen my 2015 new year’s slogan–Sip and Savor–as a way to embrace and cherish the amazing life I was creating. Work was changing, my MBA was in full swing, I was running like crazy, there was a nephew on the way, and I was footloose and fancy-free as a single lady. I remember being excited about 2015 the way I am excited about every new year. So much hope and possibility. I could not wait to sip and savor every moment. What I could not have predicted is that not only would I have a lot to sip and savor but that 2015 would turn my life upside down in the most beautiful and profound ways. In the end, everything this year has been defined by an incredible sense of love that has helped me grow and has allowed me to share who I am in ways I never thought possible.
Love is a tricky word because it is so romanticized in our culture. We talk about love so often that it tends to lose its meaning, but for me real love is complicated. It is not just rainbows and butterflies (although that part is nice) but also the practice of giving oneself to help another. Love is laughter and fun and joy and pain and heartache and sadness and loss and gain. For me, love is in the nitty gritty stuff of my life. It’s what makes me want to jump out of bed one morning and pull my blanket over my head other mornings. If you are really going to love in this lifetime, be prepared for utter joy and utter pain. You can’t have the one if you don’t have the other.
This year, love was holding my nephew Cade Oliver for the first time and feeling like my heart actually might explode. It was the immense pain and fear when he was in the NICU and the incredible relief when he was okay. It was watching him learn to crawl and laugh and play. It was rocking him to sleep and playing and reading and becoming an aunt.
Love was staying at a job that was rapidly changing and was frustrating and difficult. It was discovering my capacity for change and growth and taking a brave step to take on a new role. It was supporting my colleagues when they were tired and wanted to quit. Love was trusting that I had something to contribute to my department and that I could be a source of goodness in the midst of struggle. Love was continuing with my MBA even when I wanted to quit. It was taking notes and studying for finance exams and learning how to let go of being a perfect student. Love was trusting my intelligence and my intuition and my passion for helping others and making my work become a vocation and not just a job.
Traveling to Turkey and stepping outside my comfort zone was an act of love, as was the immense care, concern, and hospitality my friend Seda’s family provided as I navigated a different culture. Love was seeing another country, so different and yet so like my own. There was immense love in spending time with Seda and Jeff and their boys and seeing the place where my dear friend grew up and became who she is today. Love was exploring and relaxing and being away from my daily routine. Love was being homesick while being simultaneously grateful I was getting such an amazing experience.
And perhaps most of all, love became defined in a whole new way for me when I fell in love with David. Our courtship was truly unexpected and has taught me more about the true meaning of love than anything else in my life. Being with David has redefined unconditional love for me. When I cried and felt crazy he did not run away but put his arms around me. When I was afraid, he held my hand. When I felt alone, he stood with me. He is my best friend and the love of my life. And he has shown me that I am capable of being loving and caring and nurturing in ways I could never imagine. Our love has been a mixed bag of laughter, silliness, tears, joy, stupid fights, running, a torn Achilles, learning to share a space, learning to let go of being on our own, embracing what it means to be a couple, meeting families, and planning a future together. I pinch myself most days because I never thought I would find him anyone who could love me for me. Our relationship has taught me that love is a messy business that is not for the faint of heart but for those willing to put in the work and then reap the incredible rewards. Being with him is the gift of my life.
I’m not sure that any love song ever written really can define what my experience of love has been. I believe we all try to define love because we want to explain it and share it and make others really understand how we feel. But ultimately, authentic love is indescribable. It’s the mystery of our human experience and one that makes life worth living. As this year ends and another one begins, I hope to be more mindful of the abundant love in my life and all that it teaches me in its ups and downs. In the end, all that I have sipped and savored have been those very things that warm my soul, challenge me to be better, and bring deep joy to my life…in short…love.