Chapter 7: The Fear

When I was a sophomore in high school, I took a class about social justice which impelled me to sign up for a cultural immersion trip to Honduras.  Along with six other students and two faculty members, I would travel to our sister school in El Progreso. This trip would allow me to experience something completely outside of my comfort zone, as it would shine a light on immense poverty in another part of the world.  We were not the first group to make this journey, and I had heard from others what a transformative experience it would be.  People talk about being “called” to do something and this was the first time I really remember feeling that sensation. So I decided I would go. There was only one teeny tiny problem. I hated and actively avoided being away from home overnight.  I was the child who hated sleepovers, never went to summer overnight camp, and was homesick even when spending the night at my grandparents’ house.  Arguably traveling to another country for ten days would be tricky.  Allow me to share a conversation with my father when I told him about this decision:

Me: I am going to Honduras!

Dad: (pause) Oh. Um.  Well you know I can’t pick you up from there right?

Clearly, certain crucial details had slipped my mind.  In the end, I decided I was meant to go on this trip, and I would go despite my fears about being homesick.  And I’d like to say that I never experienced a bit of homesickness or fear during my time in Honduras but that would be a fat lie. I was scared about 94% of the trip. Being away from home, the poverty I saw, and the stark difference from anything I was used to made me feel alone and uncertain.  It was a really scary, albeit beautiful, ten days in my life.

Fear is not a fun emotion to feel. In fact, I would argue it’s my least favorite emotion. For me, fear can be paralyzing and can lead me to say and do ridiculous things. Fear has kept me from trying new things and it has prevented me, at times, from being my authentic self.  Fear can be a real motivator but paradoxically it can also keep us from moving to where we really want to be.  I ran across a quote this week that I love:

“No passion so effectively robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.” (Edmund Burke)

This so aptly describes how I feel when I’m scared. I lose the ability to think clearly. I can’t act because I’m paralyzed with worry. Fear has literally robbed me at times and left me feeling as though I can’t breathe. And sometimes I feel like I’m afraid of everything. I am afraid of little things like disappointing my boss at work and big things like someone kidnapping me while I’m out running. I’m afraid that those I love will leave. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough. I’m afraid of being a failure.  I’m afraid of being complacent. I’m afraid of possums.  I’m afraid of leaving this life without any legacy. I’m afraid of not living up to my potential. I’m afraid I’m not compassionate enough. I’m afraid of heights.  Sometimes I feel like the world is a really scary place and that my fear is warranted. Other times I wonder why I allow my mind to be robbed by so much fear.

As someone who believes deeply in the importance of self-awareness, I have engaged my fears a lot in my life.  I have looked at why I worry, over-analyze, and think too much. What I’ve discovered is that when I begin to let my brain run crazy into the future, I tend to feel very uncertain which leads to deep amounts of fear. Being in the unknown is truly difficult for me. I enjoy planning and structure and knowing what is next. But life isn’t always like that. And sometimes, even when we are most afraid, we simply have to trust that it will be okay and focus on the moment at hand instead of planning three years ahead.

When I went to Honduras, I knew it was the right thing to do. And it was terrifying.  When I left my first college only eight weeks into the semester because I made the wrong choice, I was so scared of what was next.  When I decided to stop teaching high school theology and embark on a new career, I was afraid.  When I have ended unhealthy relationships or experienced heartache, the unknown was excruciating. But in each of these moments, I took a deep breath and chose myself instead of my fear. I trusted that I was capable even when I was scared shitless. I trusted that I could move through uncertainty and doubt and fear and come out on the other side. I’ve heard it said that bravery isn’t an absence of fear but being scared and doing whatever needs to be done anyway. I like to think that at least in this way I am brave.

When I’m most scared, I forget about all these experiences where I stood my ground and let go of the fear inside of me.  I forget that I am capable and competent and good. It is in these moments that I need to stop and breathe and really remember that being afraid is not a bad thing but it doesn’t have to define me or the moments of my life.  I get to choose how I live in this life and how I react to the things that scare me. I get to decide how to conquer these fears. I get to make the choice to not let my fears define me.  There are so many things I want to do in this life and they require me to love and live fearlessly.  When I went to Honduras I knew in my deepest gut that it was the right choice and that despite my fears, I knew I would regret not taking this opportunity.  This is how I want to live my life.  I want to have the courage to honor what scares me but to move forward boldly anyway.  Because in the end, I only get this one, crazy wild life, and I want to know that I lived each moment grounded in the courage to be my very best self.