Chapter 15: On the Eve of a Half Marathon

(Written on the afternoon before the Branson Diva Half Marathon-5/17/15)

I am running a half marathon tomorrow, and I am so nervous.  Which is RIDICULOUS because I have run many half marathons and even one full marathon.  It’s not like I haven’t done this before.  Furthermore, I am not fast enough to win anything or qualify for the illustrious Boston Marathon so it’s not like my time really matters. In conclusion, this should be no big deal.  But it is to me. It’s a really big deal.  I have worked hard to be fit and strong, and I’ve gotten a lot faster. Tomorrow I want to see all that hard work come to fruition.  And it might.  Or it might not.  It’s a super hilly course.  It is in the middle of May, and the temperature might be close to eighty degrees.  These are not ideal conditions for a fast race.  Maybe I’ll pull it out anyway, who knows?  But what bothers me is that I’m so anxious about something that in the scheme of things matters very little to my life.  It’s moments like this that I reflect on my innate drive to push myself in everything I undertake.

I am ambitious.

This is not necessarily a bad thing but it can be an exhausting thing.  I am tired a lot.  Being so driven can be a great gift.  I’m a model employee. A great student.  I work hard.  Trainers and coaches love me because I put in a lot of effort.  I take initiative.  I want to be the very best version of myself.  This can be a very good thing, and it has led to a very full life.  But sometimes my ambition and drive get in the way of things.  I get anxious and overwhelmed and frustrated.  I fear I will fail or do poorly or not measure up to expectations (mostly my own).  I mean, really, if I cannot run a 2:05 half marathon time, what will happen? Nothing. I won’t die. I won’t be loved any less. In fact, literally no one in my life will think any less of me. But I have set an expectation–a standard.  And I will feel disappointed if I don’t reach it.  There is such a great paradox to setting up goals and expectations for ourselves.  On the one hand, it helps us strive for more than we thought possible.  On the other hand, these expectations can become toxic if we judge who we are by their measure.  Therein lies my problem. On some level, I will feel bad about who I am if I run slower than I want.  And that, my friends, is toxic thinking.  My running speed has no bearing on my ability to love or be loved.  Or to be my truest self.  It is simply something I love to do and helps me challenge myself outside my comfort zone.  No more. No less.

I don’t think I’m alone, especially among my female friends, in struggling with the line between a healthy ambition and a toxic one.  So many of my friends strive to be exceptional wives, mothers, employees, runners, musicians, yogis, writers, teachers, and friends.  They are always looking to do more and be more–which in itself can be a beautiful thing.  Yet, I should also note that many of these same friends have massive amounts of anxiety and worry that we are not quite measuring up the way we think we should.  Instead of seeing our goals and ambitions as a way to fullness, it becomes a hamster wheel we cannot get off.  Our successes and our failures begin to define us and that is not a good thing.  We forget that our core–our very souls–are just as they need to be and the rest is gravy.  Run a half marathon or don’t.  It’s simply one piece of a very full life.

Tomorrow I will push myself to run as fast as I can. I love the challenge.  I love pushing myself out of what is comfortable.  I love trying to run just a bit faster than the last time.  But maybe, just maybe, I could remember that no matter what the end result, my self worth is neither lessened or improved.  Maybe I could be proud of my hard work and effort without letting it judge my worthiness.  Maybe I could say that whatever happens adds to the beauty of the life I continually am creating for myself.  I can be ambitious tomorrow, and I can show myself loving compassion.

I’ll run hard tomorrow and hope it pays off with a great time.  And if it does not, I’ll take a deep breath and sign up for the next race.

Post Script–I did PR (personal record for non-running folks) and took over a minute off my previous time. It was the hardest half marathon I have ever completed. Still learning to be gentle with my wins and my failings…

full life.  But something